How does NPH embody and mock douchebaggery at the same time? Oh yea, that’s right, he’s got the pride. Legendary, indeed.
Gents, here they are: easy tips to be awesomer in the eyes of a woman, without pandering to rom-com crap-ola. The difference between “Whoa, he’s legit/sexy/enticing” and “Ew, please get away from me” often comes down to some pretty simple distinctions. Why am I writing these? Because I love you guys, straight* up. I think men are awesome, and I’m waysupertired of y’all handing women reasons to hate on you. So please, don’t provide more incriminating material. Follow these rules and steer clear of the Douchebag Tag of Doom. Just stick with being legendary.
1. If all else fails, try the next group- not the next friend. If the play you made on that hot girl in the bar didn’t work out, move to the next group (or two) over, not the next friend in that circle. I mean, c’mon, that should never work. (Ladies, I’m looking at you on this one, too.) There’s an added benefit as well: if she’s actually interested and is just playing hard to get, and then looks over her shoulder to see you talking to someone else- she’ll come to you. Less work and more play makes you a smart dude.
2. Ask follow up questions. You don’t have to ‘just listen.’ You should pay attention, but let’s be real: there’s no way anyone can remember every word of a conversation, especially if you’re just nodding your head. You
don’t have to sit passively through the dreaded, the deadly… the Nervous Rambling Story. Pick something she said that was interesting to you, and lead the conversation that way. The best dates I’ve been on are with men who ask show-stopping questions. (Thank you, inspirers!) So what will stop her in her tracks? A playful challenge to her assumptions. Example: “No way. Crunchy peanut butter is waaay better than smooth,” or “You think the current electoral college system is an effective model for representative democracy?” Either of those could be followed with, “How can you even say that?” Then she has to step up her game to keep up with you, and clever mischief is a guaranteed winner. Of course, you’ll want to adapt your question for your audience and surroundings. (Btw, this ‘witty banter and intrigue’ is the secret behind every Jane Austen novel. In case you were wondering what the fuss is about.)
3. Nerd out. Hold your horsepower; there are qualifiers. Please do talk about what gets you going, without launching into detailed chronicles of Star Wars, Entourage, or sporting event play-by-plays. If you can convey your enthusiasm for a topic with broader strokes, you’ll be seen as a passionate guy. Welcome to Sexytown, population: You. And hey, you never know, maybe she’s into comic books. Hint: employ tactic #2 to gage her interest level. One-word answers = on to the next.
Even goofballs have standards.
4. Regulate your territory. You’re supposed to take pride in your domain, right? Then own your space. This principle applies anywhere and everywhere you bring your delicious selves. At parties, in clubs, on the street, you are in the unique position to establish a chill, secure zone (a.k.a. ‘awesomeness’) in a perimeter of your determination. Take note that the word ‘standard’ applies not just to a code of conduct, but to a flag used by knights to declare their loyalty. Conclusion: stay true to your values and you’ll be a confident, grounded badass. Moths to a flame, baby. Moths to a flame.
“There’s a 30% chance that it’s already raining.”
Which brings me to the last and most important one:
5. Don’t communicate any expectation of sex. Ever. Please do keep those compliments and classy moves coming, ’cause they’re all bueno. But no bueno on any logic in the vicinity of “Whoa, she’s really into my game. Sweet! I’m getting laid.” Sorry, dude. The truth is, there is never a 100% chance of you getting any unless it’s already happening. Think blondebestfriendfromMeanGirls. Until the magical moment when its raining and she’s squeezing her boobs, the forecast is premature. When you express those early expectations, you effectively hit the switch on the motherboard to ‘off.’ I call this Complete, Irreversible Shutdown. If you’re lucky, this means she walks away. Or she slaps you. If you aren’t, it means she might go through with something she’s not actually interested in or fully consenting to. Yup, scary shit. For both parties.
You just gotta accept that you can be cock-blocked at any time. At. Any. Time. And it’s not negotiable, verbally or otherwise. Sadly, blue balls are your cross to bear for having a lovely external playtoy that brings you (and others) endless entertainment. Those blues, too, shall pass, and you can take comfort in the unique opportunity to thank god you’re not James Bond. (Casino Royale. You know.)
So, let’s return to my first question: why am I writing this? Because I’m done. I’m done with the relentless media messaging that divides men and women into two camps, that polarizes behavior into now-accepted extremes (douchebag/pussy, slut/bitch) and pits us against each other rather than acknowledging the mutual benefit we can bring to life. I’m tired of witnessing the deep, debilitating fear so many women have of men, as well as the behavior that reinforces those fears.
It doesn’t have to be this way. I know so many fantastic men-courageous, attentive, brilliant men-and I believe it is imperative that we recognize these men for their magic. Because of this belief, I’m constantly surprised by the idea that in order to stand strong, women must conquer and deny the value of men. I’m writing this to ask the awesome men out there to lead the way for the ones who have more to learn. Help them step up to a higher standard by continuing to demonstrate one. Help the women who value you to be right in their conviction, and help the women who are afraid come out from under the shadow.
Ladies, we have to keep our standards high, too. No more less-thans. Agreed?
*To my loves in the queer community: yea, this is super heterosexual. Help me out by adding your authentic thoughts and adaptations in the comments for a more well-rounded story.